Last night I asked her to marry me, her reply was yes.

Last night, was a night to remember. The night before Thanksgiving, the night where everything came true. Maybe I am taking this too fast? All I know is that she tells me that she feels the exact same way as I. Do I love her? Yes, I most definetely do. Does she love me? Yes, she does. Does she wear the ring I got her proudly? I love to think so, how can one know? She can tell me, and I believe everything she tells me - but it has only been a day. A day, I have been engaged. I asked her to close her eyes and open her hand. I asked her to keep them closed, and just listen to what I had to say. I then told her how she makes me feel, how I feel infinite when I think of her; when I see her - I am able to do the impossible. How I want to be hers, how I just simply adore everything she does. My promise to her is that I will make her happy. I will be the smile she carries within her, when times of sorrows arise - I am there to shower her with happiness and understanding.

I love her.

I love you, hear me yell - for I love you more than anything, even though you are out of my reach, I know that the memory we have, the memory I have - is something so special. I would yell @ the top of my lungs and tell the world that you are my everything, that you make me complete, you make me smile - wider than I have ever smiled before. No one can measure up to you, no one can make me feel as you make me feel. I love you Allison, I know that you love me too, but there is something keeping you and I apart, and that if it's meant to be we'll be. If we grow apart and you marry another, know that if we cross paths again, I will look up at you and tell you how content I am, the level of comfortness you have always given me. You are so very special to me Allison, you make me feel that I can conquer the world. But, I don't have you, therefore everything I do - just isn't special, just somewhat of a chore, a burden.

Every time I look at you, I see what perfection should be. For you are the most perfect thing my eyes have ever seen. I love you. I need you, but for now - I will be the person that is behind the curtains, the one no one sees, but is aware of everything.

I at times cry, for my soul isn't filled with your smiles, tears and sorrows.

I am writing this, for I was told that you'd listen...

Red letter neon, says open all night...Oh baby, something is missing here... the sound of your beating heart.. you never write letters, and you never come home...Love is a draw, that draws me to you....

Tonight, the first night of the rest of my life. Can she truly be this perfect? Can she truly love me, as much as I can love her? From an act of fate, our paths crossed, and the path seems more beautiful now than ever before. I have been in this place, but never this strong - I have made myself believe that the people in my past, are the people that I was meant to be with for the rest of my life. How can that be? Why is this girl so different? Well, for one - she can love me, without knowing me. She can truly appreciate my past, for she is the only person I have ever told my past to, my entire past to in the first night of our meet. For our dinner was 4 hours long, for our drive was 1 hour of fantasies, fulfillments, relationship.

A vulnerable place, is my current state of mind - for this place, is where I have opened myself so wide, that it can either be the best thing in my life, or pretty much the end of trust, care, love, happiness, smiles, just being infinite. Everything said tonight, was the perfect sayings, the perfect moments, the perfect, perfect. Can someone be too perfect? Can perfect be used too many times? Does perfect loses its meaning if overused? I think not, for tonight was once again - perfect.

Can this feeling be real? Tonight, laying on her bed - looking at her, her being actually there and not a figment of my imagination, is something that can't be real, for I feel like I am going to wake up and this will all be a dream, a dream where the happy ending is real. I will stay up to watch you sleep, for you sleeping is a sense of security that you are mine and no one else will ever take you away.

A friend of mine said "I have no course of action but only counsel" - and that is the one thing I cherish the most, your counsel is a definite positive in my life. For, everything I do in my life, is to seek approval of my close friends, friends that I can count on through thick and thin, for you are one of few, in which I can count in one hand who my true friends are, for every one else I have ever known has taken its kind gestures of sucking the life out of me. For me being myself, the person that loves everyone, that shares everything, that is by far the last person you would call selfish has taken me down so many roads, where friends - were enemies in disguise.

A million of thoughts, where everything above are only a few things I could actually grab and put onto words.

Called her today, to only get distanced like responses, to questions I have had. She is long gone, for all I am left with is unanswered questions. I can't even call you a friend, more of an acquaintance.

I am bound to be alone, for the love I carry is so easily put away when thoughts of my father arouse. How much can a person hate their father? I don't know, I am not sure if what I feel towards him is ... hate. I just know that he was never really there, for his absence I have blocked him out completely. By doing so, for the part that he was there, is all so distant, thin... almost, non-existent. I at times, wish he was there, to show me how to do the things that I have learned to do by myself. I wish that I had a father, but I am glad that my mother showed me things, made me realize that there is more to life, than having him in mine. Years of therapy can't explain, or make me be okay with him and his choices. After all of that, all of the session done for - what do I have to show for? Nothing, but blank memories.

Her happiness was taken away by my selfishness, for the giggles were far buried by what it seemed to be hatred. Hatred, towards me I think not - but hatred towards her past. For I have made her put her guard way up, so far up that it kills me. Jorja, I am sorry for causing havoc. I am sorry for, me. I hate seeing you down, I wish that my life was okay, I wish that I had no regrets - I wish, that I could look at today and be happy. But when everything is put up in front of me, by memories of the past. All I have, is uncontrollable feelings. Your guard is to remain up, for you so easily closed yourself from me. Know that my love isn't shattered, but maybe put on hold for the time being.

I at times wish you weren't so ... perfect.

Current Mood: apathetic

I am lost, for my compass isn't working. My direction seems to be missing, for she will not return my calls. Yesterday, the phone call was ended with a hang up with no explanation. I hurt, for she isn't calling. My heart aches, as it shatters. I wish that I could tell her that I was upset about being hung up on, I wish I could tell her that I no longer care for it. I wish I could tell her - that, I adore her. So many things have been shared, touched and witnessed - but it seems not enough, for I want her every minute of every hour of every day. I wish I could tell her that my heart aches in her absence, for the direction that I was following is missing. I need her laughter, her cough, her way of being important in my life.

the threshold of falling in love has struck. for i feel that being with you is a must.

driving, is better when we are together. sleeping, is better when we are together. everything, is better when we are together.

i want you.

my mind is uncertain about some things, things that i can't put words to. i just know that, i liked everything that we did when we were together, and now together seems so far away. i want to write so many things on how i feel at this exact time, but the brightness of the screen is becoming unbearable. the breeze of the ocean, hitting my skin is starting to make me tremble. i need you to bring back the smile that was there when we were together. come to me, and tell me you love me. tell me that you would rather be with me, than any other person. tell me that i make you feel, infinite - for that is how i feel, when we are together.

Alone, today - I felt, just that. I feel alone, without a person to hold - really, sucks. Have I become the person that needs a partner? Is it true, one can not travel this world, alone? I see you, when you aren't looking. This makes me, wonder if you are the person that I want to stand next to, to share the spotlight of your beautiful expressions. I see you, holding people as they are objects put here in this world to make you stand out, to make you - perfect.

I am here, alone tonight. And, it really sucks. I see people, share laughter, touch, smiles, tears, winks and happiness, are they really happy? Or just for that moment? Does it matter what comes next? Am I to sit here and wonder? Am I, to be alone?

I care for you, I want you. I wish, nothing would stand between you and I. Who are you? How do you move me with words? Without touch, through writings on a screen. Who are you? Who is the person that I have become attached to.

I wish, I had her to hold as my own prize possession.

Alone, I sleep - tonight.

Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: On mute...

She read an email I wrote for her, she got teary eyes. Was this because the feelings she used to have for me, remains? She wrote me an email, where it made me smile, a smile that was tucked away for so long. Her beauty stuns me. I really do wish she was mine, I once had her - but couldn't hang on. I guess, I was too weak, immature - possessive? I knew then, and I know now - that she is the love of my life, no one can measure up to her. For she is infinite. For her happiness and her touch is what I am trying to accomplish. I need her, I need her strength and her blue eyes. For her eyes, are filled with stories that I am dying to hear. For her eyes have seen so much. I really do love her. I really do cherish her presence. I wish she was mine, once again. Maybe for one minute, one second. Her kiss would fill my heart with unbelievable powers.

She got teary eyes, for when she saw what I feel she felt the same - for the one minute that it took for her to read my words, she cried a little. For she is my love and my love lies within her heart.

I can only promise to give you love that lasts forever.

All I have are these arms that will hold you throughout your sorrows and happiness.

n.

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Weezer

Okay, today is the day that I can stand tall and tell you to go fuck yourself. I am tired of the head games and the fucking childish games. I am, to blame, for I put myself on the situation I am at. Fuck this unreal world, fuck this uncontrollable position I am in. I can't stand the sight of you, I can't stand the scent of your well being. Your happiness is my sorrow. I can sit here and play the jealous card, but I won't - for your satisfaction, I will give you the I can't stand you spending the night along side a stranger.

I guess, I am to move on, to take on the world alone - individuality is what I am built from and what you lack. Hate grows as you smile along side of your companion. I am only typing this to make you feel superior. Please note that you and I are over and that you are to stop any attempt of interacting with me. I am done sorrowing your smiles.

Later, bitch.

n.

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Fuck You, Waste of time....